Learning love, to love, to be in love

Love is beautiful. Love is blind. Love is unconditional, crazy, fulfilling, etc. Love can be eternal. Love is happiness. Since love solves everything. Love means everything. That is the last resort. The end of the journey. The arrival. Is love all that we need? Or we have everything once we feel loved? Feel being loved? Being in love?

Who knows…. What is sure is once I detect the smallest sign of love, I become a schoolgirl with a crowded agenda…

I would like to know what ‘being loved’ means to you. The combination of attraction, affection, care, admiration, respect, trust that makes you feel so different. What love itself means to you and if you believe in it or not.

I would like to know how you feel about your childhood. How it was to be one of three, and if you had those people around you, who meant you a lot, be there for you when you needed them the most. I would like to know how it felt to recognize that your parents were not perfect and how you recolored their image inside of you over time.

I would like to know what you carried forward from childhood that you feel having an impact on your adult life. Such as how it triggered certain attitudes, believes, hopes and fears in you. How in general it has an effect on what you are at the moment.

I would like to know how you were thinking about future when you were a child, such as to know how your present compares to that. I would like to know what you were dreaming of and how life – or you, yourself – have delivered regarding them.

I would like to know what makes you interested, so much excited to keep you up at night, to put a spontaneous smile on your face and to fill your body with some mysterious energy. How you process the information, find its place in your own internal systems, as I am already sure you have a strong and consistent one deep inside. I would also like to know when you start to feel overwhelmed and how you deal with it. How long you store them before becoming open to discuss them. If at all.

I would like to know what scares you in the world, as I already know that you are sensitive and have very strong intuitions providing you insight to things which are were not ever disclosed to you. You have a good sense to feel what is genuine. I would like to know if it is a past experience or something about the future. Or reality itself.

I would like to know how you handle fears, mistakes and downfalls. When you are guarded, reluctant and to withdraw from interactions. If you face mistakes and learn from them or simply deny them. How you forgive yourself or apologize. I would like to know whether you would accept anyone approaching you or keep those doors shut until you have dealt with what you meant to be dealt with.

I would like to know what gives you hope in the most destructive situations, what keeps you going in the worst moments. How you see the future and how you see your place in the world on the long term. I would like to understand your internal drives and what nourishes your enthusiasm.

I would like to know what you value in a human. In general, and in particular. How you differentiate between good and bad, right and wrong. How flexible you are on values of others and where you draw those particular lines.

I would like to know who broke your heart the first time. How it felt and whether you learnt anything from it that you still feel important. How it feels now to think of it. I would like to know whether you are sympathetic with other broken hearts or try to pull them out of their state. How you handle the pain of others once detected.

I would like to know, every morning, how you slept and what you have in your mind that makes you awake. Even without you telling me that. I would like to feel what you think of with your first coffee in your hands and before taking your shower. I also would like to know what you have in your mind before going to bed and what you think of when fall asleep. How you scan through your days and make conclusions, if you do it at all.

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I would like you to know that I used to be a lonely child, meaning that I had no mates in the larger family, as was born as the first one of three and in a very early age of my parents. Meaning also that I almost never had those people to be there for me when I most needed them. I learnt to be independent and to be there for myself. I would like you to know that it does not mean that I do not want anyone ever after to be there for me, but simply that I need a much longer time for trust to emerge in me.

I would like you to know that I associated my loneliness with my own weakness. Not being worth receiving attention and love of others. I developed a strange kind of maximalism and perfectionism regarding myself to try to qualify for that craved attention and acceptance. And also love. I would also like you to know that this whole approach led to let people into my life who did not really deserved it. I rewarded them for their attention and the experienced acceptance, though realized later that it was only faked.

I would like you to know that I was hurt several times, I was not appreciated by men I was much into, and was disregarded by people I put my trust in. It took me for long to be able to differentiate between acceptable and non-acceptable and develop my integrity. I would like you to know that although I look strong and consistent form outside, I still go through my internal routines to maintain my balance and integrity, to combat my fears, hesitations and suspect.

I would like you to know that I do not apologize very easily. Simply because outspoken apologies may not feel as the honest regret inside of me. You can expect me to make everything possible to fix my mistakes, instead of it.

I would like you to know that I am compliant and respectful, but also have a strong moral compass. I may break any law in contradiction with the basics of humanity or survival, and if it is about those people who mean a lot for me. I may also be tough under certain circumstances. Otherwise I am way much stronger in arguing than in any forms of violence.

I would like you to know that I am still transforming my life to give more attention to those values that I feel important despite of the pressure from my environment to comply with others. I would like you to know that I am fighting against my own perfectionism which – I feel – holds me back in many ways.

I would like you to know that I learnt not just to be there for myself, but also the utmost importance of being there for those who mean much for me. I learnt to be loyal and accepting, caring and providing. I also would like you to know that I am still making mistakes and provide them for people who do not necessarily deserve it and to provide the wrong proportions for those I really love.

I would like you to know that my biggest fear is that I may feel lonely and unnecessary again as a consequence of loosing my capabilities which I developed to fight against it. In general, my fear is that I may lose my skills and capabilities I have at the moment, such as my sense to make difference between genuine and fake, good and bad and right and wrong. I would also like you to know that it does not mean fear of changing, but only not recognizing a distortive one.

I would like you to know that ‘being loved’ for me means a continuous work invested into our relationship and the appreciation of my efforts to do so, in parallel. To understand my needs not only to receive but also to give, provide, share. Being loved is associated with undisputable trust, respect, the right amount of appreciation, care, affection, devotion and personal space. I would like you to know that when you feel me distant, without any particular reason, it is most probably my recharging period to be able to give, again.

I would like you to know that I love relatively easily, although ‘to be in love’ means something different. To be in love is an active state, where I am investing. Love, care, time, energy, emotions, affection, trust, devotion, respect, etc. It takes considerable time for me to get there. I would like you to know that first you need to be my friend, the closest one. I need to be impressed somehow. You need to be persistent to want to enter my private island.

I would like you to know that I like to wake up gratefully, to be happy to have my life as it is. I like to enjoy being capable of contributing to the world, even it is just a small part. I would like you to know that I am to share this with you, if you are open.

I would like you to know that I am honest. Almost always, meaning that I value honestly more than diplomacy. Unfortunately, it may hurt in some cases. I would also like you to know that I would not ever hurt you with a purpose, intentionally. Most probably, even not when you would otherwise deserve it. I usually express my resentment, anger or strong disapproval with my withdrawal, disappearance or unavailability. And exclusively after making several attempts to communicate and settle.

I would like you to know that I prefer to go to sleep without anger or fear in me. To release what bothered me during the day. However, it happens that I take some issues with me to my sleep, in order to find some solution for them. And I am happy if I succeed in the morning.

I would like you to know that I already feel that you know more than I have ever told you. I guess I can also feel you better than I would have ever expected. You make me feel comfortable in a special way to keep on discovering you and to let you discover me. I think this is the case where the journey is as pleasant as the arrival. If we ever arrive at all…

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